A Night on the Town
by Twin Exchange
Summary: Hermione spends a very unexpected night out on the town. The Twin Exchange explores just what would happen if the HP characters were a little less glamorous and a little more real. Multi-author parody fic.
1. Chapter 1

_**Authors Note:**__ The ladies of the TE decided to have another go at a Pass It On style fic. Now those of you who have read that charming delight will be aware that it was written by several authors who posted a sentence at a time on the forum to create the one fic. This time remuslives, KaraSays, Jack of the North, WeasleyForMe, Grande Vanilla Skim Latte, Book Mad TJ, Mistymist, marauder-xx, oOoJadedoOo and Jazz E. Roisin all participated and here is the result. Somehow not even the most corrupt of us saw it quite turning out like this.

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A Night on the Town

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**One

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Hermione turned sideways in the mirror to examine herself. She shoved her bushy hair behind an ear so she could better see. The dress Ginny loaned her hung loosely across her flat chest and squeezed her chubby middle too tightly. She sighed as she looked down to the legs she hadn't had a chance to shave yet, maybe George wouldn't notice.

She was also concerned that her enormous hair would fall into their food while they were eating, but hair charms didn't work for her.

Hermione had been completely infatuated with George ever since she noticed how unattractively fat and lazy Ron had become after Voldemort was killed. Plus, Ron's penis was so small, she had begun to call him "tic tac" behind his back.

She chuckled at the thought of Ron's itty bitty weeny and hoped it wasn't a family trait. She turned sideways once more and sucked in her stomach. "Not too bad," she said to her reflection. She could only hope George took her somewhere where she could hide her belly underneath the table. There was no way she could hold it in through the whole meal.

Hermione checked herself over once more in the mirror before nodding to herself and walking out of her dingy apartment. _'I look fine, but god I've gained a little weight since the fall of Voldemort, and my hair is so crazy!'_

She was halfway to the burrow where she was meeting George, when she remembered something "Shit! Shit! Fuck, I forgot the condoms George told me to bring!"

Running a frustrated hand through her unruly hair she spun in circle three times trying to think what to do before coming to a stop. Pulling her wand out from between her breasts (a place she was sure Mad eye would have had a heart attack over) she cast a quick contraceptive charm and hoped the Weasley Twin wasn't carrying anything more than a stiff arousal.

Finally, she arrived at the Burrow. She attempted to smooth her wild curls one last time and knocked on the door.

"Yeah, come on in." A voice called from the other side. She let herself in and saw Fred sitting in a chair, with his feet on the table.

Their parent's were out celebrating their anniversary. She took in his scrawny frame wearing what appeared to be Ginny's shirt and a pair of short shorts.

"He's in there." Fred pointed over his shoulder.

Hermione followed the bony finger to a small room where George squatted in a dingy pair of tighty-whiteys. He appeared to be sniffing the dirty clothes, looking for something that didn't smell too pungent.

"Don't you have a kick the pile system?" She asked, trying not to laugh at the sight.

"A what?" he asked startled, falling to his side in the pile of clothing.

"You know, everything in one pile on the floor, you just kick and see what comes to the top ... at least that's what I do," she shrugged.

"Hey change of plans, I'm not gonna get dressed up all fancy for dinner, so why don't we just stay here?" George said rubbing his dirty face.

"Uh, umm" Hermione said not really sure what to say.

"I'll cook here" George said before letting out a fart.

"No way in hell" Hermione looked over to Fred, he looked a little better, but not by much "Fred wanna go out?"

"Sure," Fred said, launching to his feet. He was wearing long grey thermal underwear and no shirt to cover his bony chest. She could count the ribs poking out from his stomach, the clothes he was wearing when she entered were in a pile by the door.

"Toss me a shirt George." George tossed him a blue shirt with a large grass stain on the back.

"You're paying, right?" he asked.

"You boys wouldn't shout if a hippogriff bit you so of course I'll be paying, but we'll have to go somewhere cheap because I spent most of my pay cheque on the latest Cedric Diggory biography" Hermione told him.

"I don't care lets just go" Fred replied not even listening to her while he cleaned his ear out with his wand tip.

Hermione smile at him and headed for the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Want To Contibute to 'A Night on the Town'?**

The TE is currently writing A Night on the Town, the fic where your favourite HP characters are not quite how you know them. However this is being written one sentence at a time and to help with creating new ideas _and _getting updates out faster we need your help to finish writing it.

_Just follow the link at the bottom of our profile and join in!

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**Two**

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Fred slipped on the grass stained shirt that clashed spectacularly with his hair and they walked out into the garden where he grabbed her hand and she turned on the spot transferring them from the Burrow and George and to a brightly lit muggle street lined with cheap cafe's and restaurants.

They continued walking; attracting lots of stares and finally went inside one of the tightly packed restaurants.

"HERMIONE!" Fred and Hermione looked out of the window to see George standing outside the restaurant. "HERMIONE! GO OUT WITH ME INSTEAD!"

George now looked clean and fresh like he had just jumped out of the shower. In fact he had just jumped out of the shower, in a rush to find Hermione he forgot to dress, and was now standing outside in public as naked as the day he was born, begging Hermione to give him another chance.

More stares occurred and some people in the restaurants plastered their faces to the windows to get a better look at what was going on.

"He can't- honestly." Hermione stammered. Fred and George both looked at her very hopeful as people began whispering "Who's Hermione?"

Hermione's face turned as red as the rash between her toes where her flip flops had rubbed her feet all day. She began to look frantically for the nearest exit but Fred's sudden burst of laughter made her stop.

"Do you find something funny?" she asked him.

"Why, yes, I do. It's absolutely hilarious that George is standing in the middle of a muggle street completely naked." he replied.

Hermione let out a giggle, which caused her bust to shake with her, drawing Fred's eyes to her chest.

"Yes, I suppose it is a little bit funny." she admitted.

"Speaking of little bits" Fred said "It must be cold out there, George barely has any bits"

At this Hermione laughed harder. She stopped laughing however when she remembered that Fred and George were identical. Irritated, she reached for her soda but accidentally knocked it over.

Fred jumped up swearing "God dammit Hermione, I was planning on wearing these clothes for at least another two days." and stormed out the door as George came in.

George pulled a table cloth of the table and wrapped himself in it like a toga. It would have looked sexy except for the ketchup and other unknown stains all over it.

"Hey, Hermione," George said scratching his still dirty fingernail across one of the greenish stains. "Darn, it's dry. So, I'm hungry, what are we having?"

"Well, I was thinking a triple cheeseburger and an extra large fries. But the waitress is busy flirting with those guys and hasn't come back yet."

"I can solve that," he said, picking up a roll out of the basket and chucking it at the waitress.

The roll missed the waitress entirely and dropped silently to the floor. However, she did notice its passing. She threw them a dirty look before storming over, "Can I help you?" she asked snottily.

"Yeah, we're hungry," George ignored her nastiness. "We want three triple cheeseburgers, two extra large fries, and three large Super Sugar Cola's."

He then turned to Hermione "What do you want?"

"George you seriously going to eat all that" she shook her head in disgust, "I'll take 2 triple cheeseburgers, one extra large fries and a Super Sugar Cola."

The waitress walked away with out another word, and Hermione hoped that the food wouldn't take long she was really hungry. The fact that she had eaten an entire bag of cheeto's before getting ready had no effect. There was still some of the orange cheese under her nails, when she noticed she started sucking on her finger hoping to get a little taste. She LOVED her some cheeto's.

"What's that you've got?" George asked grabbing her hand and scraping the cheeto's out from under her nails with his teeth.

"Gah, I'm bored," Hermione said, jerking her hand away and sucking off what he left behind.

"Well," he grinned, "there's the bathroom." He waggled his eyebrows at her.

Hermione played dumb for a minute "What do you want to do in there eat toilet paper?"

"That's not exactly what I was thinking George said waggling his eyebrows again

"George you just forgot I just saw you in your birthday suit, and I am so not interested." She replied giving a meaningful look at his crotch before rolling her eyes

"Oh come on, what else is there to do while we wait?" George pestered her.

"Fine," she agreed, grudgingly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Want To Contibute to 'A Night on the Town'?**

The TE is currently writing A Night on the Town, the fic where your favourite HP characters are not quite how you know them. However this is being written one sentence at a time and to help with creating new ideas _and _getting updates out faster we need your help to finish writing it.

_Just follow the link at the bottom of our profile and join in!

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**Three**

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She grabbed a few napkins from the table and followed him to the men's bathroom. They checked each stall down the line and they were all in desperate need of a flush and clean, but they settled for the least stinking one. George shut the door behind him and immediately plastered her against the wall.

Fighting the urge to throw up from the stench, Hermione pressed her body into his. She could feel his sharp bony hips and his ribcage rubbing against the soft squishy flesh of her tummy.

"Gods I love a women with flabby bits it makes me so hot!" he groaned into her ear. Hermione flushed crimson "You're such a charmer, George. but there really is no need to sweet talk me, just get on with it already I'm starving!"

"Hungry for some looove?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows once again.

"Honestly, is that supposed to turn me on or something? Because right now you look like you have two red caterpillars performing some bizarre version of 'the worm' on your forehead," she scoffed, already struggling with the top button on her t-shirt before realizing it as just there for show.

George took advantage of her confusion and pulled her shirt up over her head, unfortunately it got tangled in her hair. "Ouch! George that hurts." She tried to free herself but he ripped the shirt free before she could stop him, taking a small clump of hair with it. He tossed it over his head, ignoring the fact that it landed in the full toilet.

George tried to distract her from seeing her ruined shirt by sexily undoing his tablecloth toga. Hermione rolled her eyes as he began to hum his own strip tease music.

"George why are you humming The Yellow Submarine?" Hermione asked.

"It's pretty sexy, No?" He asked winking, what he thought was seductively at her, unfortunately it looked more like he was having some kind of stroke.

Hermione didn't answer choosing to kiss him instead. What a disaster that turned out to be.

She nearly gagged when George slobbered all over her lips trying to get his tongue inside her mouth. With a loud burp she parted her lips and his tongue immediately slithered in and flopped around like a dying fish. She could feel a tickle of drool, slinking down her chin.

"Mmmm George, your tongue is so talented," she tried to say but all that came about was a warbled muffle that George took as moans of pleasure. He pressed his lower body more firmly against hers and Hermione felt her head crack against the tile wall behind her as he began thrusting his tongue rhythmically in her mouth, using his who head to do it.

He quickly reached down to cup her more than generous behind and pulled her legs up to his waist, nearly causing them to collapse. With his bird legs trembling under the weight, he barely made it to the toilet before he collapsed onto it, causing Hermione's foot to slip inside. They both stopped and burst out laughing.

Once their breathing had returned to normal and Hermione had extracted her now sewage smelling foot from the loo, the pair collapsed onto the floor.

"I think karma might be trying to tell us something here George." Hermione said in a matter of fact way.

"First of all, you don't believe in karma" George responded "Second of all that's a load of hogwash anyway and thirdly…"

"Go on," Hermione prompted when George didn't continue.

"Thirdly, I have no idea what the other reason is but, a Weasley never backs down from a challenge and I didn't think you did either."

"I don't think getting into my pants is such a challenge. If you believe the rumours I have slept with half of Hogwarts,"

"They were rumors?!?"

"Well no... but that besides the point," she replied winking.

Suddenly there was a loud pop as the pair were joined by Fred, causing Hermione to be sandwiched between both boys, struggling for air. _'Well at least my foot got unstuck from the toilet bowl'_

"Fred! What are you doing here?" George exclaimed happily.

"I could sense you were in some sort of distress dear, brother, so I decided to come and lend you a helping hand" Fred explained as if effectively taking up the last of the limited lavatory space was the most brilliant plan ever.

"Awesome, threesome!" George cried loudly, tugging Hermione out of the corner she had fallen into and between him and his brother.


End file.
